Hot Tub Forum
General => General info Somewhat hot tub related => Topic started by: Spatech_tuo on February 01, 2006, 11:28:58 am
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THE SUPER BOWL TICKET
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. After he sits down, a young man comes by and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," the man says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the young man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
The man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
The young man replies "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."
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nice 1 Spatech
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Feb 2nd addition
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
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I was golfing the other day and had a new partner named Ralph. He seemed like a nice enough guy,and played a decent enough game.
It was funny though, we were on the 8th green, when on the road, that runs next to this particulair fairway, a long funeral possesion of about 10 cars passed by. I was really touched and taken aback when Ralph noticed the funeral procession, stopped his putt, took off his hat and bowed in head in silence until the procession drove out of sight.
"Wow Ralph. I'm touched. You didn't strike me at first as a pious individual" I said. Geniunally touched by Ralphs respect for the deceased.
"Awww, it was the least I could do." Ralph replied. "After all, she was my wife ."
;D
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A man and wife on the verge of divorce are setting in front of a marriage counselor where she is in tears as the counselor says to the man “I think your wife needs attention and passion”
The man says “What do you mean? I am passionate and I do give her attention”
Finally out of frustration the counselor walks over to the woman, takes her in his arms and give her a long passionate kiss. She sets down out of breath and with a look of bliss on her face as the counselor turns to the man and says “See that!? That’s what she needs…Can you give her that?”
The man replies, “I can have her here Monday through Thursday but I golf on Friday…”
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Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let
the poison work."
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Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he was still able to, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.
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Two guys golfing when one hits a wicked slice that goes over the trees, onto the road, bounces down the road, hit a passing city bus and ricochets over to the green and into the cup making a hole-in-one.
His buddy is amazed and says "That was incredible, I can't believe you did that"
He replies "It's not that hard.... you just have to know the city bus schedule."
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It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was at the beginning of my pre-shot routine, visualising my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement,
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:
"WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMEN'S TEE PLEASE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE!!"
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back, "WOULD THE IDIOT IN THE CLUBHOUSE KINDLY SHUT UP AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!"
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Many times there are 3 different rings that that reveal the signs of couples:
The Engagement Ring
The Wedding Ring
The SuffeRING
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A penguin is out driving his Corvette, when he hears a knocking coming from the engine. Concerned for the safety of his car, he pulls into the local garage and asks the mechanic to take a look. The mechanic says "no problem, come back in about an hour and I'll let you know". So with a hour to kill, and feeling kind of hungry the penguin heads over to the diner across the street. After eating lunch the penguin heads back to the garage and asks the mechanic, what he's found. The mechanic replies "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin wipes his beak and says "nah, just had a milk shake with lunch".
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The blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer that was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
:o ::) ;D
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My wife enjoyed this one.
THE LONELY BRAIN CELL
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" the female brain cell cried out, but there was no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel scared and alone and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
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> "We're down here ..."
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35 Years - What a Long Strange Trip
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1971: Long hair
2006: Longing for hair
1971: The perfect high
2006: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1971: KEG
2006: EKG
1971: Acid rock
2006: Acid reflux
1971: Moving to California because it's cool
2006: Moving to California because it's warm
1971: Growing pot
2006: Growing pot belly
1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1971: Seeds and stems
2006: Roughage
1971: Popping pills, smoking joints
2006: Popping joints
1971: Killer weed
2006: Weed killer
1971: Hoping for a BMW
2006: Hoping for a BM
1971: The Grateful Dead
2006: Dr. Kevorkian
1971: Screw the system
2006: Upgrade the system
1971: Disco
2006: Costco
1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2006: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1971: Taking acid
2006: Taking antacid
1971: Whatever
2006: Depends
Ain't that the truth. ;D
Jc
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A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "High balls on me".
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A Giraffe walks into a bar and says "High balls on me".
Aw geezz!!!
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A lady was in the kitchen boiling eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and she said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment." He, thinking it's his lucky day, obliges on the kitchen table. Afterwards he says, "what was that all about?" She said, "The egg timer's broken."
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A little boy goes to his father and asks, "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers:
"Well son, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!"
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An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
"Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
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How can you tell if a blonde has been using the word processor?
There is White Out on the screen. ::)
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues.
Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient.
First you boil the chicken in water.
And then you dump the stock.
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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Mick: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
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While shopping for vacation clothes, a man and his wife passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since she had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she asked her husband's advice.
"What do you think?" she asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.
Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"
The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."
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Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "a**hole" afterwards."
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Don't Lie to Mom
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John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.
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Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"
The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
Harold T. "Muddy" H2 Os
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Some high school coaches went to a coaches' retreat. To save money, they had to sleep two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Coach Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first coach slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different coach's turn. In the morning, same thing --hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy-tailed.
"Good morning!"
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
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The Divorce Court Judge peered down over his bench and looked Mickey Mouse squarely in the eyes;
"I'm am sorry Mr Mickey Mouse, but this court finds no solid evidence to support your claim of Divorce from Minnie Mouse by reason of insanity"
Mickey Mouse, suprised to say the least, looked back at the judge and said
" I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was f---king Goofy!"