Hot Tub Forum
General => General info Somewhat hot tub related => Topic started by: Brookenstein on April 27, 2006, 09:38:15 am
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Ok... I just went back to school and the homework each night is to find some jokes and share with the class each day. They can be totally dirty, pollitically incorrect, etc. I just have to be comfortable telling it, lol.
I've googled jokes and have found some that way, but I thought it would be better to see what other people found funny. The jokes I found J thought were stupid, and the jokes I found he thought were lame.
So... please post your jokes here OR if they are too inappropriate, please e-mail me so we can keep this in the PG-13 area.
TIA!
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Two irish men walk out of a bar.
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What do you call a Mexican baptism?
Bean Dip! ;D
It's an old one. ;)
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Couple of good ones in here Brooke. ;D
http://www.whatsthebest-hottub.com/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl?board=Backporch;action=display;num=1138811338
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the hot tub?
Stu.
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Boudreaux and Leroix were de bestest of friends and lived in a shack on one side of de Atchafalaya River. Der arch enemy Clarence lived on de udder side. Clarence would always be doin' mean tings to Boudreaux and Leroix: stealin' der mudbugs, ringin' der chickens' necks, cuttin' der trotlines. He would always be doin' dis deviltry in de dark of night.
When de sun come up, Clarence was always back on his side of de river.
Finally, Boudreaux had had his last straw. "Ima goin' to go over de Atchafalaya Bridge and kick Clarence smack dab in his ass!"
"You go get 'im Boudreaux. Kick him in de ass but good!"
So Boudreaux headed to de bridge to go kick de fire out of Clarence's behind.
'Bout 10 minutes later, Boudreaux comes slinkin' back to his and Leroix's house wif his tail betwixt his legs.
"Boy, dat didn't take take long. Did he put up much of a fight?"
"Leroix, I didn't go. I got down der to dat bridge and on it was a sign dat said "Clearance: 12 feet 6 inches". If Clarence be 12 and a half feet tall, he welcome to all de mudbugs he want!"
Terminator
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the hot tub?
Stu.
Watch it!!! ;) 8)
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Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"
What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? His ass.
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FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT THE SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT. . .
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corp beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split or fire to lay. Men got to shave, but it's not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit, juice, cereal, eggs, bacon etc . . . but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit next to the two city boys who live on coffee. Their food plus yours hold you 'til noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride ar! ound and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is bout as big as a chipmunk's head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higget boys at home. All you got to do is lie all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training! You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt! and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your Loving Daughter,
Gail
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Sarah was on her deathbed, and she gave final instructions to her husband, Stewart.
“Stewart, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes.”
“I can’t do that, darling”, Stewart said. “You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.”
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"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
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A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.
The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.
A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.
The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
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they're not mine, but I still like 'em.
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Thanks for all the jokes and keep em coming.. I have to tell one every night until I graduate. :-[
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Thanks for all the jokes and keep em coming.. I have to tell one every night until I graduate. :-[
http://jokes.comedycentral.com/jokeOfDay.asp
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Jesus in the Restaurant:
An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress
for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus
sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.
The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a
booth, painfully sat own, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced
across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered,
"Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke!"
He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked,
"Is that God's boy over there?"
The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke,
"On my bill."
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your
kindness, you are healed."
The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did
a series of back flips out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.
The Redneck jumped up and yelled,
"Don't touch me...I'm drawin' disability
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I jsut heard this... I thought it was from our fourm, but I don't see it....so I appologize if this is a repeat.
A polish man asks the clerk at the counter for one pound of Keibasa
"You're Polish, aren't you?"
Insulted, than sharply replies back "Why! ? Why do you assume I'm Polish? ? ! ! Just because I am buying kiebasa?!If I asked for a pound of bean dip, would you assume I'm mexican?? ! If has asked for a pound of corned beef, would you think I'm Irish?!
"Sir, this is a Home Depot"
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Watch it!!! ;) 8)
You do have your arms and legs dont you?
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A Day at the Races.
A group of 1st, 2nd and 3rd graders, accompanied by
two female teachers
went on a field trip to the local race track
to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet,
it was decided that the girls would go
with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The female teacher assigned to
the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and
told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the
little boys up by their arm pits, one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he
was unusually well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
"You must be in the 3rd!"
"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm in the 7th, riding SeaBiscuit... but
thanks."
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Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome .
One leans over to the other and says ,
"You know, I've never come this way before ."
The other nun whispers , "It's the cobblestones."
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How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy!
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How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy!
The punch line I heard was
hey! how do you get a nun pregnant?
You f__k her!
Rude, but funny...or not.
Another one....
What do women say after having the most pleasuable, intense, fuflling sexual experince of thier entire life?
"Thanks Drewstar!"
8) ;) :D ;D
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What do women say after having the most pleasuable, intense, fuflling sexual experince of thier entire life?
"Thanks Drewstar!" 8) ;) :D ;D
So, is it appropriate this is posted under the joke thread?
;D
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So, is it appropriate this is posted under the joke thread?
;D
Sure. Go ahead and pick on me.
You'll be telling the joke tonigt at the bar. ;) ;D ;D ;D
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Man did I have to clean this up.....
Some lovely young women having a day at the zoo decided to stop looking at the animals and have lunch.
While dining on their sack lunches across from the gorilla exhibit one of the youg lovelies removed a bannana from her bag.
She noticed one of the gorillas staring right at her bannana with intense desire, so she told her girlfriends she was going to give the big ape her bannana.
Just as she was stretching out to give the tasty fruit to the ape, he grabbed her wrist and pulled her into the Gorilla compund where he showed her his desire was not for the bannana, but for HER.
The gorilla took his desire out on her every way imaginable to man or beast as her friends watched frozen in horror.
FORTY minutes later, when the brutal animal was finished with his captive, he tossed her from the cage into a heap on the side walk, where the paramedics were waiting to take her to the hospital.
After a week the doctors felt she was well enough to receive visitors.
All her girlfriends were there to comfort and support her and when asked if she was OK she replied...
"OK, how can I possibly be OK, he doesn't write...he doesn't call!
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Bob.
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[size=16]I love blonde jokes
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A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
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Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
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A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
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A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, What's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
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What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
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Bambi is a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
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Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman"
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little moron on your knee."
[/size]
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:
"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog’s death. But, unfortunately, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I’ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick: "$500? Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!"
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A guy goes in an adult store in New York City, and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"
Customer says, "Female"
Counter guy asks, Black or white?"
Customer says, "White"
Counter guy asks, "Christain or Muslim?"
Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"
Counter guy says, "the Muslim one blows itself up."
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"Toronto Court Ruling"
Toronto,Canada (AP) -A seven year old boy was at the center of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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"Toronto Court Ruling"
Toronto,Canada (AP) -A seven year old boy was at the center of a Toronto courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Toronto Maple Leafs, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
I love it! ;D ;D ;D
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"Hey, Mom," asked Little Johnny, "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not," she said.
"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."
His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money.
"Well? What did he say?"
"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.'"
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Dear Mrs. Drewstar,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr.Drewstar, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. Drewstar have been compiled and are listed below.
Mr. Wally Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Carthage, MO
MEMO
Re: Mr. Drewstar Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Drewstar has done while his wife is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they were not looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares... and watched to see what would happen.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And, last, but not least!)
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited several minutes. Then, yelled, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!"
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A SWEET STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES.................
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen, where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.................
"Get out of here," she shouted, "They're for the funeral."
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A farmer walks in to the kitchen holding a duck under his arm. The farmer says, "this is the pig that I have been having relations with." His wife responds, "That's not a pig that's a duck!" The farmer replies, "who said I was talking to you!"
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An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a
ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U. S. Government officials sent to
interview him.
"Chief" asked one Official, "You have observed the white man
for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded
in agreement.
The Official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the Government Officials for over a minute and
then calmly replied, "When white man found the land, Indians were running
it."
"No taxes."
"No debt."
"Plenty buffalo."
"Plenty beaver."
"Women did all the work."
"Medicine man free."
"Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."
"All night having sex."
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to
think he could improve system like that."
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Okay here's another one...
A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the
pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown,
tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and
says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a
woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is
totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally he
sh%%s in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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Oh my. That might not be very pleasant.
The Easter bunny told me a good one, but I can never remember the punch line.
I'll get back to you.
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FYI: The names have been changed to incriminate the innocent.
Drewski has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Texas as far from humanity as possible. Drewski sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bald Texas hot tub salesman standing there.
"Name's Term... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Drewski, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Term is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'and cigar smokin' ."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink and smoke with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Term stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Drewski thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Term turns from the door. "I've seen some wild hottub sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Drewski, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Term stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:APOLOGIZE! Because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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FYI: The names have been changed to incriminate the innocent.
Drewski has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Texas as far from humanity as possible. Drewski sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bald Texas hot tub salesman standing there.
"Name's Term... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Drewski, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Term is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'and cigar smokin' ."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink and smoke with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Term stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Drewski thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Term turns from the door. "I've seen some wild hottub sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Drewski, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Term stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
(http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d3/VeroSnowbird/larry02.jpg)
[size=18]Now that's funny. If'n you don't think that's funny you better git on outta here. When do I git my turn in that thar tub thangy with you Term? I'll wear this here shirt and my edible underbritches. [/size][/color]
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What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the hot tub?
Stu.
WHat ya call the same guy in a pile of leaves?
RUSSEL
same guy waterskiing?
SKIP
Same guy in a hole?
PhIL
same guy on ya door step ?
Matt
Same guy on the wall?
ART
Same guy in a pool?
BOB
Funny thing is his original name was Stan. ;)
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[size=16]I was in my back yard yesterday, trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds, then it came crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.
All the while, my wife is watching me from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opened the window and yelled to me, "You need a piece of tail."
I turned with a confused look on my face and said to her, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."[/size][/b]
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Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"
Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
-
Thanks for all the jokes, they were a big help.
I went and graduated last night, so I won't be needing them anymore.
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Thanks for all the jokes, they were a big help.
I went and graduated last night, so I won't be needing them anymore.
Too bad, we're not stopping!!!
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I'm excited... less than 24 hours after 'graduating' I tentatively have my first private party lined up. Yeah!!!!
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I'm excited... less than 24 hours after 'graduating' I tentatively have my first private party lined up. Yeah!!!!
Stripper School? Or did I miss somegthing somewhere?
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Stripper School? Or did I miss somegthing somewhere?
Get paid first. And hide the money in your shoe.
/The voice of experiance.
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Stripper School? Or did I miss somegthing somewhere?
I went to bartending school. I have to bartend to get the money for the new boobs, then I will pursue my 'dancing' career. ;D
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I went to bartending school. I have to bartend to get the money for the new boobs, then I will pursue my 'dancing' career. ;D
Oh sure, we believe you, "bartending" school. ;) ;) ;)
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he
glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He
soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or
pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business, I'm going to the
Annual Nymphomaniacs of America convention in Chicago," He swallowed
hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next
to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your
business role at the convention!?" "Lecture," she responded. "I am the
lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own
personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well, she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men
are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native
American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is the men Of Jewish descent that are the best. I have
also discovered that the lover with the absolute best stamina is the
Southern Redneck,"
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm
sorry,"she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you.
I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
-
Another one forwarded to me by my dear old dad:
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
3 When people say " Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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You're on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a
sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the
same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo -
your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a lion running at the
same speed as you and the Kangaroo. What must you do to safely get out
of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk @$$ off the merry-go-round!
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This really isn't a joke but just my weird sense of humor.
I was going to work the other night, and the moon was full. By the time I got to work the clouds had rolled in
My co-workers asked if I had seen the full moon?
Yes I had but I had told them I hadn't. Then with out skipping a beat I informed that I did take a shower earlier and if that counted. ;D ;D ;D
That was more than they wanted to know and probably you too.
r100rs
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Two guys from Alabama were standing under a flag pole that had a broken rope. 1st guys says,' we gotsta fix this rope so's we can raise the flag for the before the Hog hollerin' contest tonight. 2nd guy, 'yea, but how much rope we gotta have?' The two guys look at each other not knowing how to measure how tall the pole is so they can install enough rope.
About that time a young attractive blonde comes by and asks the guys what they're doing. 'Ya'll wouldn't anythin' about this but we's trying to figure out how tall this pole is so's we can put a new rope on it'. The blonde gets a wrench and removes the bolts that support the pole to the ground. She lays the pole down and measures it. ' 24 feet long' she says and goes on her way.
The two guys look at each other, ' Ain't that the dumbest blonde you've ever seen?' 'She tells us how long it is and we want to know how tall it is'.
***********
Guy gets into a taxi and the driver takes off. A few blocks down the street the passenger taps the driver on the shoulder. All of a sudden the driver swerves to the right, then to the left, goes onto the sidewalk, back into the street, darts in front of 3 semis and finally stops just a few feet from driving into a day care center.
The driver jumps out of the taxi and starts yelling at the passenger,' don't you ever tap me on the shoulder like that again, you scared the hell out of me'. The passenger apologized as best he could, the driver then says the mishap may be partially his fault. This was his first day as a taxi driver, for the past 25 years he'd been driving a hearse.
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Two rather elderly ladies were sitting through a more than lengthy church sermon when one leaned over to the other and said "my butt is going to sleep". The other replied, "I know, I heard it snoring 3 times already" ::)
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my friend just sent me this....it was titled "Gotta love the Irish"
I'm not a big fan of Bono's agrrogant pontifications, so I got a kick out of it:
Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.
Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Fookin stop doing it then!"
;D ;D ;D
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It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford, the car maker. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building.
Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool.
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else: The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!'
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system.
And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX