General > General info Somewhat hot tub related
Anyone have any good jokes?
East_TX_Spa:
Boudreaux and Leroix were de bestest of friends and lived in a shack on one side of de Atchafalaya River. Der arch enemy Clarence lived on de udder side. Clarence would always be doin' mean tings to Boudreaux and Leroix: stealin' der mudbugs, ringin' der chickens' necks, cuttin' der trotlines. He would always be doin' dis deviltry in de dark of night.
When de sun come up, Clarence was always back on his side of de river.
Finally, Boudreaux had had his last straw. "Ima goin' to go over de Atchafalaya Bridge and kick Clarence smack dab in his ass!"
"You go get 'im Boudreaux. Kick him in de ass but good!"
So Boudreaux headed to de bridge to go kick de fire out of Clarence's behind.
'Bout 10 minutes later, Boudreaux comes slinkin' back to his and Leroix's house wif his tail betwixt his legs.
"Boy, dat didn't take take long. Did he put up much of a fight?"
"Leroix, I didn't go. I got down der to dat bridge and on it was a sign dat said "Clearance: 12 feet 6 inches". If Clarence be 12 and a half feet tall, he welcome to all de mudbugs he want!"
Terminator
stuart:
--- Quote ---What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the hot tub?
Stu.
--- End quote ---
Watch it!!! ;) 8)
salesdvl:
Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"
What's the last thing that goes through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield? His ass.
Chas:
FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT THE SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT. . .
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt and brother Elmer the Marine Corp beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 am, but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split or fire to lay. Men got to shave, but it's not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit, juice, cereal, eggs, bacon etc . . . but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit next to the two city boys who live on coffee. Their food plus yours hold you 'til noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride ar! ound and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is bout as big as a chipmunk's head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higget boys at home. All you got to do is lie all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges, they come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training! You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt! and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your Loving Daughter,
Gail
Tatooed_Lady:
Sarah was on her deathbed, and she gave final instructions to her husband, Stewart.
“Stewart, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as is possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes.”
“I can’t do that, darling”, Stewart said. “You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10.”
+++++
"Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith!
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas Buddy"
+++++
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a
redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to
study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word
they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the
microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they
thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
+++++
A car is driving down the street when all of a sudden it starts violently swerving across the road.
The car keeps going back and forth, delaying traffic for miles until someone finally phones the police.
A police officer pulls the car over and approaches the window. A blonde rolls down the window. "Excuse me, ma'am, but is there any explanation for your reckless driving?" he says.
The blonde says, "Officer, I'm so glad you are here. There was a tree in the road, and I swerved. Then I saw another tree, and another, right in the middle of the road! So I had to swerve to keep from hitting them!"
The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
+++++
they're not mine, but I still like 'em.
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